dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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