Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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