No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
