Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
