A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
