The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
