I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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