Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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