I can text with my tongue
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
