his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
