Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
