Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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