I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
