why didn't you poke me back
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
