Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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