I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
