My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
