My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize