i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
