It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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