hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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