I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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