He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize