my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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