I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
