His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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