Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
