How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize