Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
