It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
