Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
