a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I look better un-naked...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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