I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
