did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
