you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
the raccoons are back...
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