I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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