Can i not drive my cunt home
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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