Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
