Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
