I will die if light touches me.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
