I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize