We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize