My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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