just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
