I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize