yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
