Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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