I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
