So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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