You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
