I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
