he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
