I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
