Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
