Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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