i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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