The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
