you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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