The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
