oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
