Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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