I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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