hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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