Jerry, you need to find god
if only i could text you this smell
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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