Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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